T And The Women: Ain't Nuthin' But A T Thang
by MlleMorsel
Summary: Who says Jack gets to have all the fun? After an off-world mission, the women of Earth find Teal'c irresistible...


Author's Notes!  
  
Rated PG for mild language and Sam dressed like Princess Leia.  
  
Stargate SG-1 and all the characters in this story (except the crazy old lady and Spot) belong to the Sci-Fi Channel/Gekko Productions guys. I wish I made profit off of this stuff (I only make $6.50 and hour, for pete's sake), but I don't. Damn.  
  
I've never written SG-1 fic before, so be nice. I haven't been following the show for that long, so I don't know all the ins and outs of everything (not that I really needed to know much for this thing.) I hope I got the characterization right; I had a lot of fun writing Jack, so I must be on the right track. I'm not completely sure that I didn't get this idea from someplace else (it's entirely possible: I have a terrible memory), so if this plot isn't original, oh well. If somebody hasn't done it, they should, because it would be very funny.  
  
I don't know if there's a window in Hammond's office door, and I also don't know if that place with the cool leather swivelly chairs is called the briefing room. I looked through some videos I've taped off TV, but I didn't find anything to prove or disprove it.  
  
The dog being "all ass" is from Evolution, so props to them. Bouncing quarters belong to Firebolt909. There are a couple other references to other stuff in here, and if you figure it out, then ten points to Hufflepuff.  
  
If anyone wants to MST this jones, feel free. I love MST's. I'd take it as a compliment. ^_^  
  
Oh, and for some reason I can't get italics to show up. So if anyone can tell me how to work it, I will be eternally grateful. You'll just have to deal with asterisks for now.  
  
So without further ado.  
  
T And The Women (Ain't Nuthin' But A T Thang)  
  
With some turns of the big hackin' circle-thingy and one of those way-cool sideways flushes, the Stargate in the super-secret Air Force base under Cheyenne Mountain opened. As usual, SG-1 tumbled through, finished with yet another uneventful off-world mission. Uneventful was actually an understatement. As far as Jack O'Neill was concerned, it was downright boring, more boring than calculus or a conversation between Major Carter and Daniel Jackson. Our four heroes made their way down the ramp that lead to the Stargate and were greeted by the ever-pessimistic General Hammond.  
  
"Good to see you back in one piece," said the General with a smile.  
  
"It was a close shave," said Jack. "I was on the verge of ripping out my nose hair just to see what would happen."  
  
General Hammond moved on to the rather intimidating big guy, everyone's favorite voice of reason, Teal'c. Hammond raised an eyebrow: Teal'c was covered from head to toe in scratches.  
  
"What happened here?" he demanded, always inquisitive about potential threats.  
  
"It was...a resident animal," Teal'c replied in his usual monotone.  
  
"Did it attack you?"  
  
"Not as such, General Hammond."  
  
Jack stifled a laugh. "He saved a dog from a burning building. If you could call it a dog, that is."  
  
"What?"  
  
"There was a fire in some old lady's house, and Mr. Chivalrous over here," Jack jerked a thumb in the direction of Teal'c, "ran inside and got out that lady's...pet...thing." Jack assumed a pensive look. "I wonder if it could be called a dog. It was about the size of one...but uglier. I mean, this dog was *all ass.*" He made round hand gestures to emphasize his point. "...Sir," he added after Hammond gave him a *look*.  
  
"And that's how you got these scratches?"  
  
"Yes, the animal was very upset," Teal'c confirmed.  
  
"And this lady was grateful as heck. She made us lunch and everything. I'm not completely sure what we were eating...it kind of had the consistency of squid..." Jack trailed off.  
  
Hammond half-smiled. "Well, anything to make an ally. We'll de-brief in a half hour. Go get cleaned up."  
  
SG-1 headed out of the gateroom. Teal'c received the usual pat on the shoulder from Jack and Daniel, a sort of "job well done" gesture. But when Teal'c was passed by Major Carter, something completely out of the ordinary for the stayed Jaffa occurred: he was not completely sure, but he could swear that Major Carter winked at him.  
  
**********  
  
Thirty minutes later, SG-1 was seated around the table in the briefing room, as usual. After a brief military perspective by O'Neill, the floor was handed over to Daniel Jackson. As he assessed the ins and outs of PX911 and how it was all relevant to their missions and stuff, Teal'c attempted to pay attention. However, something was distracting him.  
  
Major Carter's foot was halfway up his pant leg.  
  
Teal'c rearranged himself in his chair, hoping that perhaps Major Carter was mistaking him for a part of the table. Unfortunately (or fortunately) for Teal'c, this was not the case. Her foot seemed to follow wherever he went. Teal'c had been keeping his eyes on Daniel, but he risked a brief look. Maybe Carter just needed to get his attention to tell him something pertaining to the mission.  
  
Teal'c raised and eyebrow at Sam. Her response was somewhat less subtle. She licked her lips in a highly exaggerated fashion.  
  
This de-briefing couldn't end soon enough for Teal'c.  
  
**********  
  
After what seemed like forever and a day, General Hammond called the de- briefing to a close. Teal'c all but jumped out of his seat and made a beeline for the door. Such unprofessional behavior was very unexpected coming from a person like Major Carter.  
  
"Hey! T!" called Jack as he exited the briefing room. "What was up with you in there? You looked like you were sitting on a porcupine."  
  
"A porcupine?"  
  
Jack rolled his eyes. "It's a little animal that has spiny things...they stick in your skin, hurt like hell..."  
  
"Ah."  
  
"Anyway, what was going on? You didn't sit in the same position for more than five seconds."  
  
"I apologize."  
  
"You should. You broke my record."  
  
"Is there a point to this interrogation?" Teal'c was irritable now.  
  
"All right, no need to get testy." Jack paused for a small giggle at the word as they turned a corner. "I'm just a little concerned about my friend, that's all."  
  
"May I speak with you in confidence, O'Neill?"  
  
"Oooh, a secret?"  
  
"This is rather embarrassing."  
  
"What, do you have a rash or something?"  
  
"No. It is not medical. It is...personal."  
  
Jack looked like Christmas had come early. "Do tell!"  
  
"I believe that Major Carter made...advances upon me." If Jaffa blushed, then Teal'c was bright red.  
  
Had Jack been drinking, he would have made quite a mess. "She *what*?"  
  
"During the de-briefing she continually assaulted by leg with her foot."  
  
"Are you telling me that Samantha Carter, *Major* Samantha Carter just *played footsies with you?!*" asked Jack, perhaps a bit too loudly. Two passing airmen stopped in their tracks, gaping.  
  
"We're practicing a play," said Jack, (badly) feigning casualness. "She played footsies with yoooooooooou!" he warbled tunelessly. The airmen stared. "Carry on!"  
  
"I cannot explain it."  
  
"Heh," sniffed Jack. "I didn't know you had it in you, T. Way to go."  
  
"O'Neill, I do not see this as a cause for celebration. Do you not see how this could damage the future missions of SG-1?"  
  
"Yeah, but who cares!"  
  
"I do, O'Neill."  
  
"All right, you big party pooper. I'll talk to her, see what's up."  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"No problem."  
  
By that point in their walking, the two were just about to pass the infirmary. Dr. Fraiser stuck her head out of the door. "Teal'c!" she called, stopping them. "General Hammond told me about your encounter with that alien animal. That was so brave of you!" There was something odd in the tone of her voice; it was breathier and lighter than usual.  
  
Teal'c blinked. "Thank you, Dr. Fraiser."  
  
Jack shook his head. "Oh, for crying out loud. There's two of them now."  
  
Fraiser ignored him. "You really should have someone treat those scratches," she said, grabbing a hold of Teal'c's arm. "They could get infected, and then where would we be? We certainly couldn't do much around here without you."  
  
As Janet continued on about Teal'c value in the SGC, she made a point of stroking every scratch on his arm. "Oop! Look at that bicep!" she squealed, giving his upper arm a squeeze. Teal'c shot a look at Jack that clearly read *do you see what I mean*? "Do you work out?"  
  
"I hate to interrupt this little Teal'c-fest, but I'm off-duty now. I'll see you two tomorrow," said Jack.  
  
"No!" Teal'c yelled. "Er," he began when he saw the confused look on Janet's face, "Did you not want to show me some new technology that Daniel Jackson found?" Teal'c gave Jack a glare that told Jack that if he left, he was going to be hunted down and disemboweled with a spoon during the night.  
  
"Uh.yeah. That's right, I almost forgot," said Jack, catching on. "Sorry, T. Let's go, then." He grabbed Teal'c's other arm and dragged him away from the infirmary after a brief tug-of-war with the deceptively strong Dr. Fraiser.  
  
"But...but...you could get infected!" Janet called after their retreating backs.  
  
"I believe that there is something more to this...dilemma," said Teal'c, after they were completely out of range of the infirmary.  
  
"Maybe..."  
  
"O'Neill, will you do me a favor?"  
  
"Sure, T."  
  
"Do not leave me alone."  
  
Jack would have made some kind of witty remark about a big, bad Jaffa being scared of a few women, but there was a sincerity in Teal'c's tone that made him stop.  
  
"All right."  
  
"Thank you, O'Neill."  
  
The two continued in silence for a bit, heading nowhere in particular. They heard footsteps behind them, but neither Teal'c nor Jack thought it out of the ordinary. Suddenly, Teal'c felt a distinct pinch on his behind. He stopped dead.  
  
Two giggling airmen (well, air-women) ran ahead of them. As they left, Teal'c distinctly heard one of them say, "I *told* you! You could definitely bounce a quarter off that thing!"  
  
"Is it just me, or did one of those women just pinch your ass?"  
  
"You are correct, O'Neill."  
  
Jack looked more puzzled than when Carter started talking astrophysics. "I think maybe you just need to get out of here for a while."  
  
"Agreed."  
  
**********  
  
Forty-five minutes later, Jack and Teal'c were sitting in a diner, waiting for service.  
  
"This is one of the weirdest things that's ever happened," said Jack.  
  
"Stranger than when we both relived the same six hours over again?"  
  
"Yep."  
  
"Stranger than having a device implanted in our brains that made us see a very annoying man that made me drink a pot of extremely hot coffee?"  
  
"Um.yeah."  
  
"Stranger than all of the SGC being replaced by duplicators?"  
  
"Uh-huh."  
  
"Indeed."  
  
Jack looked around the diner. "T, have you realized that every single woman in this place is staring at us?"  
  
"Yes, I was aware."  
  
"Oh. This is some weird stuff."  
  
"Indeed."  
  
By that time, a waitress had made her way to their table. "What would you like today?" she asked, staring straight at Teal'c.  
  
"I'll have a coffee, a burger, and some of those fun cheese sticks with the dipping sauce," said Jack.  
  
"I wasn't talking to you," said the waitress with a cold look at Jack. "I was talking to this fine piece of man over here." She turned her back to Jack. "Have whatever you like, hon. It's on the house."  
  
"Er. I would like coffee," said Teal'c, keeping his eyes on his menu.  
  
"No problemo, sweetie."  
  
The waitress left, shaking her rear end obviously as she walked.  
  
"That was strange," said Jack. "I guess this thing isn't limited to the SGC, then."  
  
"I agree."  
  
"So I wonder what's behind all this?"  
  
"I do not know."  
  
Teal'c spent the next twenty minutes dodging the rest of the women in the restaurant, with Jack looking on in a mix of wonder, suspicion, and slight jealousy. The waitress returned with their food, practically throwing Jack's, and gingerly placing Teal'c's in front of him.  
  
"Listen," she began, "I usually don't do this, but can I take you out for a drink? My shift is over in fifteen minutes."  
  
"I am..." Teal'c began hesitantly.  
  
"He's gay," declared Jack.  
  
The waitress leaned forward, placing her hands on the table. "All the better." She winked. "Bring a friend."  
  
"Check please!"  
  
**********  
  
Teal'c and Jack decided that it was best to go back to the SGC, where at least there was a fairly controlled environment. On the way back, they caused eleven different fender-benders in which all the drivers were female, and had one near miss with an eighteen-wheeler on the highway in which the truck driver honked her horn continually for about a half a mile, attempting to get them to pull over.  
  
Both men were quite shaken by the time they reached Cheyenne Mountain again. They both prayed that there would be no further incidents.  
  
"Listen, T, I think it would be best for you to stay in your quarters for the time being," Jack suggested after being shoved into the wall by a lieutenant who tried to have a word with Teal'c and *only* Teal'c.  
  
"I believe that would be prudent."  
  
However, Teal'c soon found that not even his private space was safe.  
  
Jack and Teal'c opened the door to find Major Carter standing there in a bathrobe.  
  
"Hi Teal'c," she said in a voice that was definitely not for use at the SGC. "I heard you liked Star Wars." At that, she threw off the robe to reveal a little gold and maroon bikini, disturbingly similar to that of Princess Leia from Return of the Jedi.  
  
"Auntie Em, Dorothy's got a bikini..."  
  
As Jack gaped, Teal'c simply turned around and closed the door.  
  
"O'Neill?"  
  
"Huh?" His eyes were slightly glazed.  
  
"I believe that we should perhaps consult General Hammond and Daniel Jackson concerning this matter."  
  
Jack nodded. "Yeah, I think so."  
  
They hurried off to find them.  
  
**********  
  
Within ten minutes, Daniel Jackson came with Jack and Teal'c to General Hammond's office to discuss the issues at hand. Daniel was already slightly confused upon entering the room as he had to force his way through two sergeants and a nurse in order to get in. Teal'c briefly recalled the events of the day (with some color commentary from Jack), taking care to explain that he did nothing to warrant the attentions of any of the women he encountered.  
  
Daniel and Hammond paused for a minute, taking in the story.  
  
"So...you haven't done anything to...deserve this?" asked Daniel with arched eyebrows.  
  
"Indeed I have not. May I remind you that I am...'spoken for' as you would say?"  
  
"Right..." said Daniel.  
  
"When did this all start?" asked Hammond.  
  
"When we came through the Stargate earlier today."  
  
"And what was the first sign that something was wrong?"  
  
"When Major Carter..." Teal'c hesitated, growing more embarrassed, not only for himself but for the sakes of the women of the SGC. "Made advances underneath the table, during the de-briefing earlier."  
  
"What sort of advances?" Hammond inquired.  
  
"Perhaps O'Neill can explain this better."  
  
Jack rolled his eyes and sighed. "She stuck her foot up his pants."  
  
"You mean she *played footsies* with you?" asked Daniel, eyes wide.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Speak of the devil..." said Jack, looking out the small window in the office door.  
  
There were Major Carter and Dr. Fraiser, both looking longingly at Teal'c. Carter was mouthing something, but it was hard to determine what.  
  
"So every single woman you've come in contact with today has made blatant...flirtations?"  
  
"That is correct, Daniel Jackson."  
  
"This is usually the part where Sam comes in and says something scientific and comes up with some complicated solution to this mess," said Jack. "But I think she's a little preoccupied."  
  
By that point Carter was licking the glass.  
  
"Let's narrow down the field. Something must have happened while you were on PX911 in order to create this...problem," suggested Daniel.  
  
"Maybe it's not the planet. Maybe something just happened to all the women here...and this really ain't nothin' but a...T thang," Jack offered.  
  
Daniel looked from Teal'c to Jack, and back to Teal'c again. He raised his eyebrows skeptically. "No, I don't think that's the case. It seems more likely that something happened specifically to Teal'c. Did anything strange happen while you were on the planet?"  
  
"Nope, aside from the crazy lady with the butt-ugly dog."  
  
"Actually, O'Neill, there was indeed something rather strange about that meeting. When she said thank you..."  
  
"Right! I almost forgot that. It was when you and Carter were in that big ancient building thingy. She put her hands on T's head and said something in.not English."  
  
This was right up Daniel's alley. "What did she say? Do you remember?"  
  
"What do you think, Danny Boy?"  
  
"I wasn't asking you."  
  
Teal'c duly repeated what he remembered of the crazy lady's incantation.  
  
Daniel's face scrunched up in translation mode. "I could be mistaken, but I think that she blessed Teal'c with...well, with every woman he encounters." Daniel couldn't be stopped from grinning a little.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Sorry, Jack."  
  
"I'll say. Why couldn't *I*have picked that stupid animal out of the building?" he sighed wistfully.  
  
"Indeed."  
  
"So Danny, you're saying that this is her little way of saying...you know, danka shane?"  
  
"It's *danke schön*, Jack, this isn't a Wayne Newton song-"  
  
"Excuse me, gentlemen," interrupted Hammond. "But currently we've lost the use of every single woman on this base. This sounds terribly cliché, but we need them back."  
  
"Indeed."  
  
There was quite a scene outside Hammond's office by now. It appeared that Carter and Dr. Fraiser had started a catfight, and now two other women had gotten in on the fun, each one of them insisting that she had dibs on poor Teal'c.  
  
"So how do we stop all this?" said Jack, inching up his chair to get a better view of the fight outside.  
  
"I suppose the best course of action would be to return to the planet and ask the 'crazy lady' what she did and if she can reverse it," said Daniel as Jack mumbled something about Jell-o.  
  
"Agreed," said Hammond. "Let's do this, and as soon as possible."  
  
Daniel peered out the window. "But how are we supposed to get out of here?"  
  
Hammond grabbed to phone and called for reinforcements.  
  
**********  
  
After an armed guard led them to the gateroom, SG-1 minus one was on its way back to PX911, but not without two different women asking to have Teal'c's baby.  
  
"I recall Central Park in fall, how you tore your dress, what a mess." sang Jack as the Stargate dialed.  
  
"Hey, Ferris Bueller, let's go."  
  
"Keep your shorts on, Space Monkey."  
  
"I don't think it's *your* shorts that the angry mob outside is worried about."  
  
The "mob," led by Carter, was banging down the door.  
  
"Scotty, now would be a good time."  
  
"I'm coming!" yelled Jack. And thus the three went back through the Stargate.  
  
**********  
  
It didn't take long for them to find the house of the lady in question. As soon as they met, Daniel began an intricate conversation in PX911's native language, leaving Teal'c and Jack to stare at the floor.  
  
"Oh Danny Boy, the zats, the zats are ca-a-liiiing."  
  
"Jack, would you please keep it down."  
  
Jack stuck out his tongue. His new entertainment was now making faces at Daniel when his back was turned.  
  
After what seemed like an eternity to the Jack O'Neill Kindergarten Attention Span, Daniel turned back towards his companions.  
  
"It turns out that your 'crazy old lady' is really one of the high priestesses of the city, and your 'butt-ugly dog' is a sacred animal whose life is essential to the religion of their culture."  
  
"Well then I guess it's a good thing you saved that thing, T."  
  
"Indeed."  
  
"She only thought that her blessing would bring you as much joy as Spot brings her."  
  
"Spot?"  
  
"That's the animal's name."  
  
"All that trouble and they can't give it a better name than Spot?"  
  
"That's what it translates to."  
  
Jack slapped his forehead in exasperation.  
  
"At any rate," Daniel continued, "I explained to her that the blessing was more of a curse to our missions?"  
  
"So can she un-...bless him?  
  
"She's agreed to remove the blessing, if that is what Teal'c wants."  
  
Teal'c looked happier than he ever had before. "It is indeed what I want, Daniel Jackson."  
  
"Good. I'll tell her you're ready."  
  
With that, the priestess/crazy old lady put her hands on Teal'c's head again, and said another incantation. She said something to Daniel and smiled.  
  
"That's it," said Daniel with one of his killer smiles. "You should be back to normal."  
  
"Thank God and all things holy," said Jack.  
  
"I must concur, O'Neill."  
  
**********  
  
Soon Jack, Daniel and Teal'c were back on Earth, thankfully free from any female attack. Sam was there in the gateroom to greet them.  
  
"Hi there, Princess," said Jack, unable to repress his grin.  
  
"Greetings," said Teal'c tentatively, hoping that the reverse blessing worked.  
  
"General Hammond told me what happened back on PX911," said Sam with an inquisitive look at the mention of "Princess".  
  
Jack and Teal'c exchanged a look.  
  
"I don't remember a thing," she went on. "Tell me, did I do anything...embarrassing?"  
  
The three men looked at Sam, and then each other.  
  
"No," said Jack. "You were fine. Like you were in another galaxy...far, far away."  
  
**********Fin 


End file.
